Of course, when I made these plans, I did not factor in inclement weather, which caused my afternoon flight to Nagasaki to be delayed for one and a half hour. In Nagasaki, I revised my plans again and thought of going to Kumamoto by ferry via Shimabara Port. I really enjoyed the hour-long trip from Isahaya to Shimabara. The train I was on was very cute. I enjoyed the scenery and started writing on my journal, feeling like I am a legitimate traveler who does these things all the time. When I arrived in Shimabara, I found that they cancelled all ferry trips that day because it started snowing that morning. So I have to revise my plans again. I did not want to go to Kumamoto in the evening, because that would have defeated my purpose for using the juhachi kippu - which is to see the sights of Japanese countryside.
The next day, I went to the train station early, and braced myself for a five-hour train ride on local trains from Nagasaki to Kumamoto. It was still dark when we left Nagasaki station. I settled in my seat, comforted by the fact that there are toilets on the train and that I have some food and water and readings and I am with the person I love most in the world - me.
Truth be told, I kinda fell in love with myself again that day. I used to like long train rides when I was younger. I used to love talking with myself, writing my thoughts and emotions down, processing things, but at some point in my life, I abandoned these things in favor of sleeping, or mindlessly watching TV or taking care of other people too much that I forgot that I am my own person. During that train ride, all of my senses were alert. I do not know how to speak in Japanese, and internet signal was intermittent so I had to always check whether I am in the right direction, or whether the train is stopping for what seems like a very long time in various train stations just because it was supposed to do that. I had to rely on myself entirely. I know I may be playing this train ride up too much, but it felt that way for me -- like I was being reborn. I watched the sun rise and I was so moved by the beauty I wanted to cry. When I looked out the window, fields and trees and sprawling mountains filled my eyes and I cannot help but think that I will probably never pass this way again, but I am glad that I did. I was struggling to stay awake because I wanted to drink it all in, but at some point I slept on the train, and when I woke up, I was still there, I still have time to look out the window and think of nothing or of everything. I wanted the train ride to last.
At some point, I took out my notebook and pen and started scribbling things that have been lodged in my chest, causing all kinds of stress. I wrote and wrote and thought about how I have let myself become a writer who doesn't write, a photographer who doesn't take pictures, a dreamer who stopped dreaming because it was easier to indulge in a dreamless sleep. For many years, I enjoyed the "freedom" of not wanting anything, and not working to achieve anything, because I thought I already have what I want. But then I looked inside myself and realized it was me who stopped fanning the flames inside me. I am there, but not there. I stopped dreaming. I stopped learning. I stopped pushing myself because I was so scared of failing. I was scared of conquering fear and overcoming failure because that would mean returning to the person I really am, a person who wants many things. When I was younger people would say, you have your whole life ahead of you. Now that I am a bit older, does that mean that I skipped a chunk of that life ahead of me and that only a little is left?
Crazy, crazy beautiful train ride. I want to do it again. ###
