Vivid dreams

Owing perhaps to the drugs I have been taking, I have been having a lot of vivid dreams lately.

In one of the dreams, my dead mother visited me, as her dead self. I was in my room, sleeping, and my housemates were there, and she said "Pumunta ko dito kasi hindi mo na kaya." Then I asked whether it was also her I have been seeing on previous occasions, because it was not exactly the first time I dreamt about her. She confirmed that it was also her. She said we would be going home, and I was half-expecting that we would teleport, but instead we commuted which took us quite a while to get home. My sisters were hugging her. I was hugging her, she seemed so frail. Then when I told her sisters to say goodbye, because she had to go, she told her sister that they would be seeing each other soon.

When I woke up, I told my housemates about the dream. I didn't know whether I want to feel happy or sad or scared. I felt the profound desire to weep, I can feel the weep wanting to gush out of my guts. But I didn't cry.###

Exit plan

I have no exit plan.

I am leaving without saying goodbye.

I am leaving with a heavy heart.

I am closing the door as I leave so that I will not be tempted to return.

It is not true that I do not love it - I do, but it takes just the smallest push to throw me off the track.

This is classic love-hate. Classic.

When it comes to it, I have never been completely honest.

I have taken a break from it twice, and this is supposed to be my third time. Each time I ask for time off, I tell myself that it will be different when I come back.

You see, I am waiting to fall in love with it. But close to a decade later, I still am not.

It is quite a difficult thing, being honest to one’s self. I have not been honest to myself in quite a while.

It is not easy to leave, after all, I have come to love it a little.

But as a friend said, it is never a question of love. It is a question of "how much."

It hurts, even now. I still dream about it. But I have to leave.

I'm leaving. ###